Taking Control and Moving On

The thing that sucks about being mormon is our drug of choice. We are forbidden to smoke drink or do drugs. Those things we can all live without. So if someone got hooked on them they could let go cold turkey and they could survive. I am not downplaying how bd it would be to quit, it would suck intensely, all the withdrawals and other side affects, but they would live. Our drug of choice is food. And it subconsciouly becomes that because we don't realize what we are doing is wrong (like you would when you get drunk every night). We slowly eat more.... and a little more......and a little more each time (so yea, this doesn't happen to just mormons). and next thing you know we are gaining weight, our self-esteem has gone down, and we can't accept the blame so we try crazy methods to lose the wieght or to prevent us from gaining it (i.e. becoming bulemic -this means throwing up OR taking laxatives; becoming anorexic). Or we just sink ourselves farther in the pit by not eating breakfast or lunch (or eating really small versions of them) and then having the disgustingly overportioned, snack-every-five-minutes-after-dinner-is-over dinner. So the big problem is you can't quit food cold turkey. The best method is to eat reasonably small, healthy portions every meal (three meals a day) with a reasonable amount of exercise each day.

So narrowing it down to my situation: I have done the latter method before and lost thirty pounds. But since I am a live-in nanny I am presented with every food I could possibly want and endless quantities of it. And then my life is not my own. What works best for me is exercise in the morning before I get ready for the day (so i don't feel like I have to get ready again). But I wake up the girls in the morning and I can't leave the house necessarily because Amy sometimes leaves at five in the morning. In other words I need to be there for the girls, especially if Kent is gone on a trip. Now I could work out at night but I am tired by then and I usually can't leave the house and now as i am writing this my whole situation sounds absolutely ridicuous......WOW. Let me say this now that it is buried in the paragraph, I made myself throw up the past two nights i a row. Yep.......after eating so much junk food Halloween night I made myself throw up. It seems no matter how sick I am my body will not eject the crap. Not even when I have the flu. I have maybe five memories in all my life of throwing up (if that many). So I got so irritated t my body at myself for how I felt, that I let it get that way, and that my body was not taking care of it that I stuck my finger down my throat and threw up. Oh, but if only it were that simple. My body is SO against throwing up that it took me several times to do it. In fact I think I reached down to where the throat splits into the esophagous and trachea. Then last night I ate a great dinner, but I made the mistake of watching TV after the girls went to bed. I have to hold to my new rule!!! NO TV watching at night. Because if I do......I start raiding the cupboard and fridge. If I am upstairs it is a little more difficult (thanks to laziness and fear of being discovered by my endless footsteps up and down the stairs). So in other words I overate, felt like crap and thought "I did last night why can't I do it again?" so now this morning m glands are swollen (some of that may have to do with draining sinuses, lol). I do not want to be a bulemic; well, technically i was already one cuz i took lots of laxatives a while ago and if i eat to much and there are some around i will use them. but now I am trying a different method, sheesh. I don't want to care about food. If I had a choice I would quit eating food entirely. But I need it to survive (and I love food to much, otherwise i would probably become anorexic, at least that is what happens when you quit food).

I think some of the reasons I eat the way I do is because 1) we never had a variety of food in the house growing up, let alone junk food 2) When I did find something good at our houe (i.e. graham crackers) I had to sneak it to eat it 3) When I went over to people's houses after school all the time I would have to sneak it 4) at those same houses when they did give lots of good food to me I ate a lot cuz really, when would I get it again? and this happened at church occasions with food too.

So it comes down to two things: FEAR and "DEPRIVATION" oh, and this next situation could fall under one of those I don't know.... I tend to "snack." I go through every cupboard and fridge about five times, taking a taste of this, taking a taste of that. is that what I want? I'm not sure, let me check the other cupbaord. is that what i want? let me check the other cupbaord again to make sure I didn't miss anything. By the time I have tasted everything, I have had my meal, but it doesn't feel like it cuz i never sat down and enjoyed it. I am ridiculous.

I never get out and do anything because I have very few hours each day and the past two weeks have been eaten up by yoga: one hour and a half to take up my whole morning. I need to lose myself in service I know. But try getting me out of the house to do so. I am such a joke. this is all my fault and there are nothing but LAME EXCUSES!!!! I have time for all this stuff: museums and bike riding and walking and hiking and serving but i can't get myself out of my freaking room to do it!! instead I sit here and write dumb posts and sort through my junk cleaning my room cuz i can't stand a messy room (yet it gets that way every other day, making it so i have to stick around and clean up). Add to that stress a maid who comes in to clean my bathroom adn make my bed which makes me feel extremely self conscious by how I leave things cuz i don't want to be summed up by how I leave my room. I don't want that to decide what kind of person I am. But she doesn't speak english and so she gets what she interprets out of the situation. Why am I complaining about having a maid?! why CAN'T I complain about having a maid?! Gosh, I'm just a simple girl who doesn't want a big house, and all the shabang that people want who have big houses and everything. I would love to have enough money to travel once a year, have a modest home (not one so every kid had there own bedroom). I want to clean my house and work in my own yard. I would love to live in the country and run a ranch (if I could leave it once a year to travel, which is unusual). I am so simple it is scary. I don't want a maid, YES people reading this. I don't want a maid or a gardner or a housekeeper, etc. I don't know if i even want kids! lol. wow, i sure make life complicated, hahaha.


Wow, the whole thing sounds utterly ridicuous. I am pathetic. Here are people starving in the world and I am complaining about too much food, btu you know what that is ok, because that is my burden to bear. It is not about what sounds th eowrst, it is about the wieght of the burden. The lord will never give us more than we can handle so surely i will get through this. In fact, i thought I lost my whole post because my computer froze on me for a moment. I started praying like crazy. I asked the lord to help me out here, let my post be ok because I need to get all this crap out in physical form whether typed or written. It needs to be out of me for me to move on. So here I am, moving on, facing one more demon. I have all these antedotes for everything. It is just a matter of following through. so I am going to stop complaining now that it is all out and fix this dumb situation. here is my plan/routine:

Monday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Go do service for the day
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-gymnastics (practice spanish)
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Tuesday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Get ready for yoga and walk to yoga
9:30-11am Yoga
11am-12pm Hypnotherapy
12-2pm Free time
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-playdate?
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Wednesday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Temple
10:30am-1:30pm Julianna-dance/transportation
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-playdate?
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Thursday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Dress for yoga and walk there
9:30-11am Yoga
11am Go play basketball and try another activity/museum (free time)
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-playdate?
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Friday: 7am Pray and get ready
Go for a hike
Options for later: Visit Jo /grandparents
Go to the beach
See a movie

Saturday: 6 am Pray and get ready
Whatever the family has planned
Exercise room before bed
Read, pray, and journal


Sunday: Wake up, Write letters to mish, read, pray, and journal
Free time till church
1-4pm Church
4pm and on Free time

So here we go. I now have purpose in life.......to fulfill this routine. While this may seem idoitic because the real true me has more purpose in life than this, it will be my purpose until I am satistied with myself again. And than I will find more purpose because that is what life is about: constantly finding purpose:)

Lessons of Letting Go

How did I get here? how did my self esteem get so low? I thought today was different but it turned out to be like any other if not worse.....

wow, that is what I wrote last night. Sometimes I can be so dramatic. I mean, that really is how I felt last night and sorta today, but I make my life the horror that it is by my dramaticness. ok, maybe not a horror, but by making a big deal of things I only encourage the negative things in my life to grow. When will I learn to take control of my life?

Yesterday I had a glimpse of control. After Teresa dropped me off in larchmont for yoga, two gentlemen walked by me and gave me huge smiles and said hi. it was hi like....they knew me or something. or a hi like they wanted to get to know me. I'm not sure how to explain it. I was in a good mood but in a rush. I gave them a big grin and quickly walked to yoga a few doors down. after walking ten feet it hit me; the whole way they said hi suddenly hit me. I turned around to look at them and one was looking at me, he turned away and then the other looked at me. Then I turned away because I started to wonder if they were just flirting. That was great but I was not really up for flirting at the moment...I had to get to class. Sounds lame I know. But then as I got into class i felt such a light inside me. Did I just pass up an important moment? Did I just miss meeting a special person who could change my life or me his? I know this all sounds ridicuolous and I don't mean he could have been the guy I could have married. Basically, if it had been a girl I would have felt the same way. It was just a feeling of a passing up a great moment. This feeling of light was overwhelming.....so much so that I became a little sad for missing out because it felt like the light would leave. I mean, I will be honest, I hoep to meet a great guy out here, that would be wonderful, but I really would have no time for him. but why did I feel that rush of emotion like something great could happen? IS IT cuz i have sunk so low?

But thanks to yoga I realized I needed to soak up the light and then left the moment go. I was messing up my moment in yoga. Never let the missed past moments screw up the present great moments. I acccepted the light, "let go" of those guys and prayed to the Lord. I asked him to give me strength and if it was important for me to meet these guys then could he bring them back into my life again.

To add to that lesson of letting go....that same class session as we were laying down from after a pyramid pose, most of the people laid down the opposite way we normally do. Our heads were all toward the instuctor instead of our feet so it was almost like our backs were to her. One lady couldn't seem to handle it. She hesitated for quite a bit, looked around wondering whether to conform or to stick with her ways. Being the wonderful teacher that she is, Susan Swan walked over to her and told her to lay however she wanted and that it is ok that we layed the "wrong" way. Her words: "It's just like world. Funny how that works." We all do our own things. The world does not conform in whole. Everyone decides whether to go there way each time or to go with the majority, OR whehter to do what is right whether it is our way or the majority's.

So what am I supposed to learn here, or to get right down to it......What am I supposed to be letting go? of food? lol. Ok that was and wasn't funny. Hence the next post.....

remembering who I am

It is the last day of October. An hour and a half is left before the new month rings in. I have written no new posts this month until now. My goal is now 5 posts a month and I am learning one day at a time. I am learning about it too. Who am I? I am a daughter of God. When will I engrain this in my eart and mind so each day I can live by it? I am so tired of who i have let myself become. I feel I don't know me anymore. Let me reminsce on some words of a popular song:

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Now most people reading this would think, "She is 'singing' this to someone........someone she knows......well, yea..... in fact, i am saying it to myself. so now that you know that go back and read the song's lyrics again. This is something I want to take to heart. I want to live by these words. I want to show myself that I am the reason for all that I do, that I am the one who motivates me. That i love myself enough to do good.....and to do the right things. I am always searching somewhere outside of myself for ways to "fix" me. I need to turn inward for this, but in order to do this i need outside help to teach me how. But it still all depends on me and my input into the whole situation. Somedays I geel alll alone but part of it has to do with the truth in this-- No one will fully love you until you learn to fully love yourself. Or something to that affect. It seems every three or six months I look back and see how dumb I was and wonder why I didn't see it then. Help me lord to see my mistakes sooner and to be more open and aware of truths around me. Open my heart to what others have to share. let patience abide and peace grow within, amen.

HELP THOSE WHO SUFFER........FUNDRAISER FOR AIDS

I am in a 10K AIDS walk here in LA. It will be on Sunday October 21st. Any donations you would like to make through me would be greatly appreciated. My goal is $150 because I'm only asking for $5 from each person. Everyone has $5 to spare. If you would like to donate more... go for it. TO donate go to http://aidswalklosangeles2007.kintera.org/LDS

Degrading of Society..... more noticeable on sundays?

Driving home tonight, the conflicting forces of good and evil were around me. Thank goodness, good prevailed and overwhelmed the arena. But because evil showed its terrible face the differences were more apparent. The day had been wonderful. Yes, I slept most of the morning, but I fasted, gave the best testimony I feel I have ever borne, (and received many sincere -by the looks on people's faces- compliments on it), had a great talk with Tanner, enjoyed wonderful lessons in church, socialized with people, and WROTE IN MY JOURNAL. The day had been exquisitely spiritual and I loved it! But it all must come to end....at least for the night. Back to the drive: After the spiritualness of the day I encountered billboards (welcome to LA) that were far from my experience of the day, both advertising new television shows (including one that was on abc, which used to boast of being a family channel):
1. Cain...Power is Sweet
2. Dirty Sexy Money
What about either of those makes anyone feel good inside? what about those makes us feel worthwhile about ourselves (except for the fact that we are better than that...). It pained me inside to see the destructive power that has overtaken television....that has overtaken our world, country, our society. But now, even as I write this, it is all over: the feelings, the caring about it.......because it is an overwhelming task for one individual and it is so integrated into people's lives. I'm starting to ramble now......

the ups and downs of this job i call a life

The emotions and feelings swell back and forth. It reminds me of a ride at Lagoon in Utah. There is a pirate ship that sways back and forth from stern to stern, getting higher and higher each time. The people sit in seats facing towards the center of the ship. Being a nanny is the same way. One minute I love these girls, they are so sweet, and the next, I am ready to walk out or condemn myself to avoid motherhood at all costs. And like the riders of the ship, one moment -as the riders swing backwards grasping the idea of how high they have actually reached- I am painfully aware of the mistakes I make and the rough path I have chosen. The next moment -as the riders swing forward unaware of how equally high the other way is- I am caught up in the sweetness of their innocence and creativeness and sweet love of everything they come across.
Tonight, the girls were tired as they came in from napping in the car on the ride home from the pool party. But yet they wanted to watch a movie. Soon after their parents left for dinner out with friends, the girls were extremely active and loud. I threatened them with bedtime, then I was chasing them and we were all giggling and laughing. Then they were loud and disobedient again and I was threatening....again. I finally followed through and it was off to bed, but not without being sidetracked by a quick snack (in place of missed dinner after a late lunch). We were upstairs and giggly and soon in the tub where, despite their earlier hyperness, they were very good listeners. The quick, uneventful bath led to calmness which made for a quick pajama dressing session and bedtime stories. They were so sweet as I read to them, pointing out there favorite characters in the stories. Ally, the oldest, even read her story again, with a much different storyline yet similar plot, with thanks to the pictures. I always set Nanna in my lap with Ally to my right side, no matter whose bed I am on. I love having Nanna in my lap. She is so.......lovable at that moment. In that moment she feels as if she is mine. I grasp what it is like to have a child of my own. When I put them to bed and read them stories the night ends well and they sleep right away, and.....I feel more on top of the world than ever before. It is nights that end like that, that make it all worthwhile. And the pirate ship ride of it all....... I'm not sure if that will fade, but I hope it will, because then..... that means I have learned to step into their world. I am not a stingy restrictive adult: I am a fun friend who helps them do the right things. Right now I get sleepy-tired and want-my-life-back-tired, which then makes me less patient and more easily frustrated. When I take a moment to step back, then there is nothing but fun and excitement. But then that is where the pirate-ship mood swings come into play. I go back and forth, back and forth. My twisted love affair...........

mesh of thoughts......only to precede more

I am well on my way! to so many things....... I finally figured out stuff with the University of Utah and am on my way to using the online class system. Life is good. The girls start school next week and I have part of the day Monday (Labor Day) off to go play with friends. Yesterday, the girls, their dad, and I got back from Utah at one pm. I had the rest of the day off and pretty much slept the whole time. Today the family went to a pool party at noon and are still gone even though it is almost 6pm. They said a couple of hours..... so maybe 2pm or 3 pm they would be home, buthtey aren't which is really nice! but part of me wishes I would have known so I could have hung out with friends. But time off is time off:)
The reason I logged on to blog was because I was reminiscing.....in a way. I finally started sorting through some of my junk. I have this bad habit of collecting magazines! only lately though because magazines are now available that weren't before..."Parents" and "Child." They have such great ideas that I want them available. But not just those, I went through a binder of stuff I had out in my room previously...pics and quotes. It was so good to see that stuff. It made me feel more at home. Man, if I could just write in my journal the way I like to type lately...maybe this will become my journal, this is a good way to see my writing progress since journalism is kind of part of my major..... parks, recreation, and tourism. There are different majors under that department but I'm not sure which one, at the moment, I will be focusing on. But I hope to be experiencing the adventures of the outdoors and then writing on them. So this blog will follow my progress of writing skills. Back to the reminiscing...... I found my patriarchal blessing!! yea! and tomorrow is Fast Sunday, so I can read that and the new Ensign in the morning. Life is so exciting right now....I am so upbeat and I just wish I could get things settled with the U but it is Labor Day weekend and the deadline for registration and tuition is the Tuesday after. My procrastination has amazing timing, does it not? Live and learn, live and learn. I must roll with it and then next round chose how I roll. Life is amazing! I miss my cousin Kara -our relationship is deemed to be best friends if we could just get together- who just moved to Provo as I moved out. I was able to visit with her while visiting Utah with the family, and I wish we could hang out. We have so much fun and she doesn't have any tight friends in that area right now.
I have much more to say but I really want to get my mess of reminiscing out of the way. here is always tonight.......and always tomorrow.