Time Capsule

I just received an email from myself that I wrote a year ago today. I wrote it at http://www.bored.com/emailcapsules/
It was great to read what I was thinking back then. I am going to include it in this post with my next "time capsule."

Dear Future Version of Me,
this is kind of cool. Let's hope i have this email long anough to get this. I probably will, it's gmail. So...life is pretty exciting right now. I am probably moving to LA to nanny for a year at least. It will help me save up money for my volunteer trip to an orphanage in south america or africa. And money for my trip to france or italy (study abroad) and ILP (teach english in china or russia- like Caidy). I know, I have a lot of goals. These will all lead me to the peace corps. I'm not sure where school fits in but the peace corps helps pay for school when i'm done so maybe I'll do that when I'm married. I am getting married:) lol. I'd like to work at zion ponderosa resort, for the recreation and because the GM, Michael Caine, is so freakin nice, but the nanny position is better in the long run (for one, it pays SO much better). Life is good right now. I just lived with Cathy Larson for two months while Caidy is in China and i finish up my second semester at UVSC. What a blessing that was! to live in such a peaceful welcoming home. My relationship is pretty good with my mom and dad, in fact my dad and i are going to see Night at the Museum tonight at movies 8. i'm glad cuz i want to see him before i go. My relationship with my dad is really good right now. I've learned to let things go and accfept him for who he is. I just can't be around him to much i think is how it works. I get to see jordana this weekend when the nanny family flies me out to LA to "check out things." I am so excited!! Jo and i had a really good talk on friday and tara isn't speaking to me cuz i offended her over the whole Shawn ordeal. I didn't get why she wasn't answering my calls but then jo told me. Tara can be so....nevermind. i love her when we are talking and that's all that matters. that's my life and those are my plans. we'll see whether my plans match the lord's plans for me. can't wait!!
Written at Tue Apr 24, 2007



The new time capsule (i hope I don't read it before then since it is now a post):

Dear Future Version of Me,
So my plans have changed a bit. the peace corps still sounds good especially since watching Oprah's Big Give. I really need to start making a difference, not matter how it looks (be it time, money, or love). But for now the peace corps aren't quite inside the scope. I am going to Cal Poly Pomona next year (2009-2010) after I go somewhere else to achieve the credits to reach me to 60 credits (required for transfer students at cal poly). I'm thinking Snata Monica College, UCLA extension, or Chaiffey college depending on where I live. I have an amazing offer to work at Wagon Wheel when I get back but that requires longer than a year commitment I think. If I am in LA this coming year I won't stay longer than a year because i'll need to live out by Jo to go to Cal Poly. {I need to go there because my degree is commercial recreation. UofU offers the best program but I don't want to be in Utah}. Ai!! What do I do?! I have my whole life ahead of me and so much I want to do. I love it but I need to focus on the present and stop thinking about the future as if it is m present. Life is amazing. I love that I chose this time to live on Earth or that God chose it for me.

I have gained all my weight back but i feel like a completely different person i think in some ways I accept myself more for who I am at this weight. but in some ways I don't because I know I can control the crazy eating and can get back to a more comfortable state of mind and body. I am a child of God but i have lost sight of that in the past few months because I haven't been to church in that long. I am heading to europe where I will still go to church throughout the traveling (thanks to my traveling partners, kara and tanner). I am learning to love myself over and over again it seems. I know I want a husband, but I know I could really make it alone. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for the love that I have received from everyone in my life. I am grateful for a higher knowledge.

As far as the country goes. I don't think the war will be over in a year. I think Hillary clinton will win, but it will be extremely close between her and McCain. I want to vote for her but most independents (who i agree with) are voting for McCain. Pres. Hinckley and Pres. Faust died within 6 months of each other and now Pres Monson is the prophet and I hope nothing happens to him. He will make an excellent prophet. I need to know more about what is going on in the world if i am to make a difference there are so many diseases out there that I don't know about that i need to learn of (like the one in extreme home makeover where the brain sinks into the brain stem). I want to be more informed in a year. More active and more giving.I hope to be settled enough to sit down and get a degree, but not enough that I lose my desire to travel and experience new things. whew! that is enough.

6 minutes 44 seconds

What is a 6 minute 44 second conversation? It depends on who you talk to in that moment....is it life-changing or just mood-altering? That all depends on you.

I had that conversation tonight.

I wouldn't say it changed my life, maybe not immediately, but it did change my perspective on friends. For once I realize that true friends exist. ones who really care. Ones who have a pile of homework but take the time to read your dumb blog you just updated after three months of silence.......and then call you back to talk about it. They then share their beliefs and testimony and hang up immediately and oddly enough you don't feel short changed. You feel lucky for those 6 minutes and 44 seconds they took to make sure you were ok. They planted a seed hoping it will take root. The seed was love, faith, a strong self esteem, confidence, and determination to stand up for who you really are.

What does it take to be a friend? those small moments.........of sacrifice........and of sharing.



Now it is up to me to live up to what my friend sees in me......

it has been so freakin long

yea, that title says it all. and the fact that it is one in the morning says a lot. I don't have much to say (because I have to be up in fiev hours) but tanner keeps buggin me about updating. I really should write on here more. it is very......oh what's the word...this is really understating it, but helpful. It gets out my emotions and decisions-in-the-making. So to really update ya'll on that here is an email to my best friend on a church mission in argentina:


Hermana Hyer-

I love being able to type that. You don't realize how proud I am of you Kelia! You are the best example out of all my friends. You are beautiful, confident, determined, and courageous. you are intelligent and faithful and very spiritual. Everyday you look in the mirror please realize that. If anyone asks me who my role model is, it is my best friend Kelia. You are always there for me, but because of my insecurities and wavering faith, I worry that you won't always be by my side (kind of like now). Because people want to surround themselves with those of the same standards and beliefs, and to surround themselves with those who lift them up. I always seem to be the friend who is falling by the wayside, and right now I am extremely worried about myself (gosh this sounds so selfish). My spirituality is wavering. I find myself walking that fine line, or at least thinking about walking it. I want to stay in LA and be with my sister, Jordana, who I love SO much, but she holds none of the standards I should hold. But I find myself relating very well with her. she and her friends are people I feel so comfortable with. Jordana's boyfriend, his family, and all his friends make me feel more like I have a family than I have ever felt before. So I want to stick around LA because it is fun and thriving and internationally cultured (is that even a word/phrase?)and has my sister nearby. But I find myself slipping, questioning how important this is.....the church. Like...will I really go to hell, or some lower degree for just this...or this ....or this? I have two really good girlfriends out here. One has the complete opposite schedule of mine and is strong in the church. But the other who I can get together with at least once a week outside of church bends the rules constantly: a little coffee here, a little swearing there (not in front of me though). I miss a lot of sundays visiting my sister or working. The point is, I coming to the line and seriously wondering will it really make a difference whether I do some fo these little things? won't the lord understand and forgive me despite my complete consciousness of it all? So here I am, 12:30 am wondering where I belong when my year is up in april and after I come back from europe in july. Do I head back to utah to regain my spirituality, or do I suck it up and fight for it here or...... just give in? I read your wonderful email and wonder if I should be out there,in the mission field, but not necessarily to spread the gospel but to strengthen myself? that is so selfish and not the right reason to go at all.

I want to head down the right path but I want to be free to do as I please without feeling guilty. I have the opportunity to be a nanny again (after europe) in a much better experience. It is more flexible, right off the beach in Santa monica. I can go to SM college during the day. The family is a single mom with a 6year old girl and 10 year old boy. They are active Latter day saints and that is why they want me. But do I want to be a nanny again? I want to be single and have roommates and just have fun. But here i can save up money and live on the freakin beach. So nanny or single? and if single...live with my sister or find an apartment or go back to utah?! it seems like once or twice a year when I have to make a big decision this happens (not the part about me losing faith, but struggling to know where to go).

Oh kelia, I know this is not what you need right now, you need uplifting letters to help you stay upbeat and spread the gospel. It seems like I have had this conversation with you many times before. Oh kelia......when will I stop doubting?! when will i gain as much faith as you to always choose the right or at least never feel tempted by stupid things?! I want to turn to the Lord but I don't pray to him on a regular basis so I feel like am using Him. And i know the answer to that: it is satan telling you not to pray....when you don't feel like praying is when you need to pray the most. I feel like my spirit is dying and almost like I don't care...but I know I do because I am bawling my eyes out right now. what drives you kelia? what gives you that unwavering faith? what.....what is it?! that makes you who you are? I am not writing to get a sympathy letter (if anything a kick me in the butt reply), I meant to write you because that is what good friends do when the other is on mission.

I love that you are having a great time. I love that you send pictures and that you are so involved and inspired. I can and I can't believe President Hinckley died! I guess because of that I am feeling more self conscious spiritually as well. I didn't even get to watch the funeral because I was working. I plan to watch it on BYUtv.org or something like that. Kelia you are amazing. keep up the great work. You are someone to behold. when I do pray, i pray for you. keep being an amazing example and know that if you need anything(!) you let me know...please! I have some extra money now so don't hesitate. I love you so much and keep writing those letters your mom forwards around:)

Love Cole

p.s. my next letter will be much more uplifting! :P

Riding High then crash and burn, lol, LIFE IS GOOD

I like that title....mainly cuz it makes me laugh. i had a really good week and then starting about 10 pm last night till now (so about 20 hours) my mood is gloomy. BOYS!!! or dating! whichever, both cause nothing but problems....ok so it is just dating cuz tanner and I never have problems and he is a boy. whoops! sorry tanner, you are a man, didn't mean to insult you. I was speaking more gender than age, LOL. Anyway, I really want to hang out with this guy but our schedules conflict. And tehn there is the whole "games" thing. Girls tell me i hurt his feelings for doing one thing but I can't call cuz then I would be desparate adn blah blah blah. Geez, and I can't seem to get it all. I guess it is for the best since my values are different then his. The more we hung out the faster we would progress physically i'm guessing and I really don't want to get closer physically. I like just cuddling and holding hands. It's just nice to have a comforting body close by. The only hugs I get these days are from two sweet little girls who let me moosh over them like crazy. While it is wonderful.....an adult hug, especially an adult male hug, is different. There are so mnay different hugs and we need a lot of them. Women hugs, adult and youth; male hugs, adult and youth; children's hugs; babies "hugs"; hugs from the elderly; dog hugs (hug the dog and he may not wrap his arms around you but he is still giving you a hug). I remember I waa in Wal-mart one day and two girls were walking around with posters giving out hugs. I asked for one and they were SO happy. It was busy that day too so everyone was looking at us and in fact a few people then asked for hugs. It felt so good for two strangers to give hugs just to pass the love around. Back to my story: so I know with him the cuddling will lead to kissing which is alright but I could do without, and then even farther for him, but I draw the line after kissing. So the less we hang out the more he misses me ;) and the slower we progress. haha. But i really want to hang with him :( Well, he didn't call me back so i am going over to a girlfriend's house adn watch a movie and........eat pumpkin pie. AAHHHHHHH!!! i know i shouldn't but she made them last night.....homeade........speaking of which. I realized how I work. Carbs (well, grains) only at breakfast. Fruits, meats, and veggies for the rest of the day and NO eating after 6pm. I was doin really well there for a bit until last night when i ate around 11:30/12. But i was hungry this morning so it's all good. But here I go about to eat after 6 and dessert nonetheless. It's alright, tomorrow is a new day:) i need to go or else she'll start the movie without me! ciao!

UPLIFTING ENTRY

Heavenly Father is truly great. I believe in him and I trust in him, despite my hesitations. I love when I feel close to him and can't wait for the day I get to hug him. After having a few great hugs here on earth i cannot possibly fathom his hugs. I know the Book of Mormon is true and I know I will read it and say my prayers every night by the end of this year. I am a daughter of God and nothing can change that (only my perception can distort it). I have power to make myself who I am and avoid temptation. I am stronger than I think I am. I make each day for better or worse. I choose what I eat and what I do with my day. My path towards a more healthy body and healthy self-esteem starts now! I am thankful for these girls I watch. I am thankful everyday for the Holy Ghost's guidance in how to treat these girls. My unconditional love for myself begins now!



Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good that she is a woman.

A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.

Who refuses to carry sins of others within her body and life.



Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influence on the present.

A woman who has walked through her past.

Who has healed into the present.



Imagine a woman who is love with her own body.

A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.

Who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.



Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.

Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.



Imagine a woman who honors the body of the goddess in her changing body.

A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and wisdom.

Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.



Imagine a woman who tells the truth.

A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.

Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perception and responses of others.



Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulse.

A woman who produces original creations.

Who refuses to color in someone else’s lines.



Imagine a woman who authors her own life.

A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.

Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.



Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.

A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction & contentment without depleting her.



Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.

A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.

Who remains loyal to herself- Regardless.



Imagine yourself as this woman.



--Patricia Lynn Reill

Food Revelations and More Important Things

Funny how all the great things that happen to me I can't make myself sit down and write them, but now something that irked me a little got me to sit down:P I can't remember now quite what the exact issue was but I can think of a few. But now I have a completely different aspect on them. So I exercised earlier this week in a routine....sort of. But didn't eat the best. As the week went on I ate better at nights so I was actally hungry in the mornings. I was really happy about that. Then tonight I just couldn't get enough again AND I had quite a few cookies. Then as I took the girls up to bed.....on my feet, i really got a workout. I I usually won't let them stay on my feet for the stairs but tonight I did and wow.....that is a great workout. I should do that every day!! Seriously. There should be a workout book for moms, not including exercise equipment and routines but involving kids. Instead of hitting the treadmill for a half hour, run around with your kid doing "such and such." Dont lift weights, cart your kid around all day when normally you would make them walk; etc, etc. Back to my tale of contradicting emotions: Two minutes later, as I am reading the girls a story all I can think about is what food I want to eat....even though I am full or almost there. Yea, I know ,I can read and think complexly about food at the same time....i am pitiful or obsessive or both. But then I realize that my normal cycle is...I already ate crappy; it's no use, I still won't be very hungry in the morning so why not keep eating anyway? But tonight I thought "How can I salvage this? what if i could still be hungry in the morning if I stop now? yea i may not be hungry in the morning no matter what, but that extra food is going straight to the middle. So as I finish teh book I commit to not goin downstairs for food because i stop and actually thought about it. I thought about the food, teh rewards/consequences. I thought about the relief I would feel later. THe thoughts that go through my head later are either "I shouldn't've eaten those last few things" or yea i ate a few things that weren't good but at least i didn't eat more or some other stuff" I remembered those post-binge thoughts and decided to get a grip. Tehn as I was in my room after talking to a guy I barely knew, I thought about how I bore my soul to him about part of my "food issue." That right there shows my vulnerability and more.... exposing part of "my disorder." but then i thought "i dont have a disorder....things are better." for the first time, instead of feeling broken down and lost, i felt HOPE. I felt like yea...slight setback, but I am on my way! I think the girls workout and avoiding the post-bed binge was a real boost. Things are about to change, i feel it. It's nothing quite like what I imagine when I hear the Rascal Flatts song "FeelsLikeToday" but it's close. The title of the song for my thoughts right now is "FeelsLikeThisMonth", lol.

Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Has been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought

It feels like today I know it feels like today I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But its not a moment thats frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today
I know, it feels like today, I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

I like the part "And I'll find my way out of this longest drought" and "Like a weight that I've carried/Has been carried away, away." THose two explain me best. I alway feel like this is my theme song. Whenever I am feeling down I go to this song. Am I coming out of a drought? has a weight been lifted? Is today the day that [blank] is gunna change? Nothing extreme is gunna happen but little by little I am goin to change my ways. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Tomorrow I go hiking and will get some exercise. My biggest point right now is getting myself out of the house and just walking all day this next week. If I didn't sit around so much the "layers" wouldn't have thickened on so quickly. Eating healthy is my other point. Eating more veggies!! and fruit....less of everything else. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and I don't want to add anything else on. I plan to slim down. In a book I read, a girl called it slimmming not losing wieght. I like that a lot better. It's not about the weight it's about slimness. Sounds weird but there is a difference.

I sit hear and bear all this out but there are goods things in life! Like Thrusday night when I hugged Ally good night she hugged me for a few minutes. She even said "I wish we could hug like this forever.....or at least all night." and julianna has been saying hilarious things this week that I should have been writing down, bah! Tonight ally hugged for a while again and nanna has been such a snuggler lately. I love it. This morning I was completely done. I though, "I need to tell Amy I will end in May" but then I remembered I wanted to do schooling and get my eating habits in better shape adn see how much of a difference that makes, cuz tonight they were so cute and sweet. We had a blast at the park this morning too. Why can;t I remember all the great moments I wanted to write down?! I need to make an uplifting post! That's it! I will right now!

A little about me

Three things I am afraid of:
1. Depression
2. Not doing/becoming what I want (school, etc)
3. Not finding a place I can call home for the rest of my life

Three things that make me laugh:
1. Tanner Duncan/Kelia Hyer
2. Comedians
3. Anything depending on what hour of night it is

Three things I love:
1. The Outdoors/Sports
2. Family
3. A good movie or book

Three things I hate:
1. Being stuck/restrained...not being able to go where i want when i want
2. Dating
3. Beating up myself about everything

Three things on my counter:
1. Toaster
2. Papers
3. Candle

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. Posting this blog
2. Going through email
3. Waiting for Tanner to call me back

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Major volunteer work IN a third world country for up to a year
2. Foster a child
3. Go on an REI expedition

Three things I can do:
1. Play any sport decently
2. Garden
3. Clean and actually like it

Three things I can't do:
1. My hair
2. Be decisive
3. Throw away things of no importance

Three things I think you should listen to:
1. Thunderstorms
2. India Arie
3. Silence (out in the middle of nowhere silence if at all possible)

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. French/Italian/Spanish
2. Waterski
3. Snowboard

Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Ninja Turtles
2. Tail Spin
3. Boy Meets World

Three things I want in the next five years:
1. Get my degree in PRT
2. Become a masseuse
3. Go to a country outside of North America