The emotions and feelings swell back and forth. It reminds me of a ride at Lagoon in Utah. There is a pirate ship that sways back and forth from stern to stern, getting higher and higher each time. The people sit in seats facing towards the center of the ship. Being a nanny is the same way. One minute I love these girls, they are so sweet, and the next, I am ready to walk out or condemn myself to avoid motherhood at all costs. And like the riders of the ship, one moment -as the riders swing backwards grasping the idea of how high they have actually reached- I am painfully aware of the mistakes I make and the rough path I have chosen. The next moment -as the riders swing forward unaware of how equally high the other way is- I am caught up in the sweetness of their innocence and creativeness and sweet love of everything they come across.
Tonight, the girls were tired as they came in from napping in the car on the ride home from the pool party. But yet they wanted to watch a movie. Soon after their parents left for dinner out with friends, the girls were extremely active and loud. I threatened them with bedtime, then I was chasing them and we were all giggling and laughing. Then they were loud and disobedient again and I was threatening....again. I finally followed through and it was off to bed, but not without being sidetracked by a quick snack (in place of missed dinner after a late lunch). We were upstairs and giggly and soon in the tub where, despite their earlier hyperness, they were very good listeners. The quick, uneventful bath led to calmness which made for a quick pajama dressing session and bedtime stories. They were so sweet as I read to them, pointing out there favorite characters in the stories. Ally, the oldest, even read her story again, with a much different storyline yet similar plot, with thanks to the pictures. I always set Nanna in my lap with Ally to my right side, no matter whose bed I am on. I love having Nanna in my lap. She is so.......lovable at that moment. In that moment she feels as if she is mine. I grasp what it is like to have a child of my own. When I put them to bed and read them stories the night ends well and they sleep right away, and.....I feel more on top of the world than ever before. It is nights that end like that, that make it all worthwhile. And the pirate ship ride of it all....... I'm not sure if that will fade, but I hope it will, because then..... that means I have learned to step into their world. I am not a stingy restrictive adult: I am a fun friend who helps them do the right things. Right now I get sleepy-tired and want-my-life-back-tired, which then makes me less patient and more easily frustrated. When I take a moment to step back, then there is nothing but fun and excitement. But then that is where the pirate-ship mood swings come into play. I go back and forth, back and forth. My twisted love affair...........
