yea, that title says it all. and the fact that it is one in the morning says a lot. I don't have much to say (because I have to be up in fiev hours) but tanner keeps buggin me about updating. I really should write on here more. it is very......oh what's the word...this is really understating it, but helpful. It gets out my emotions and decisions-in-the-making. So to really update ya'll on that here is an email to my best friend on a church mission in argentina:
Hermana Hyer-
I love being able to type that. You don't realize how proud I am of you Kelia! You are the best example out of all my friends. You are beautiful, confident, determined, and courageous. you are intelligent and faithful and very spiritual. Everyday you look in the mirror please realize that. If anyone asks me who my role model is, it is my best friend Kelia. You are always there for me, but because of my insecurities and wavering faith, I worry that you won't always be by my side (kind of like now). Because people want to surround themselves with those of the same standards and beliefs, and to surround themselves with those who lift them up. I always seem to be the friend who is falling by the wayside, and right now I am extremely worried about myself (gosh this sounds so selfish). My spirituality is wavering. I find myself walking that fine line, or at least thinking about walking it. I want to stay in LA and be with my sister, Jordana, who I love SO much, but she holds none of the standards I should hold. But I find myself relating very well with her. she and her friends are people I feel so comfortable with. Jordana's boyfriend, his family, and all his friends make me feel more like I have a family than I have ever felt before. So I want to stick around LA because it is fun and thriving and internationally cultured (is that even a word/phrase?)and has my sister nearby. But I find myself slipping, questioning how important this is.....the church. Like...will I really go to hell, or some lower degree for just this...or this ....or this? I have two really good girlfriends out here. One has the complete opposite schedule of mine and is strong in the church. But the other who I can get together with at least once a week outside of church bends the rules constantly: a little coffee here, a little swearing there (not in front of me though). I miss a lot of sundays visiting my sister or working. The point is, I coming to the line and seriously wondering will it really make a difference whether I do some fo these little things? won't the lord understand and forgive me despite my complete consciousness of it all? So here I am, 12:30 am wondering where I belong when my year is up in april and after I come back from europe in july. Do I head back to utah to regain my spirituality, or do I suck it up and fight for it here or...... just give in? I read your wonderful email and wonder if I should be out there,in the mission field, but not necessarily to spread the gospel but to strengthen myself? that is so selfish and not the right reason to go at all.
I want to head down the right path but I want to be free to do as I please without feeling guilty. I have the opportunity to be a nanny again (after europe) in a much better experience. It is more flexible, right off the beach in Santa monica. I can go to SM college during the day. The family is a single mom with a 6year old girl and 10 year old boy. They are active Latter day saints and that is why they want me. But do I want to be a nanny again? I want to be single and have roommates and just have fun. But here i can save up money and live on the freakin beach. So nanny or single? and if single...live with my sister or find an apartment or go back to utah?! it seems like once or twice a year when I have to make a big decision this happens (not the part about me losing faith, but struggling to know where to go).
Oh kelia, I know this is not what you need right now, you need uplifting letters to help you stay upbeat and spread the gospel. It seems like I have had this conversation with you many times before. Oh kelia......when will I stop doubting?! when will i gain as much faith as you to always choose the right or at least never feel tempted by stupid things?! I want to turn to the Lord but I don't pray to him on a regular basis so I feel like am using Him. And i know the answer to that: it is satan telling you not to pray....when you don't feel like praying is when you need to pray the most. I feel like my spirit is dying and almost like I don't care...but I know I do because I am bawling my eyes out right now. what drives you kelia? what gives you that unwavering faith? what.....what is it?! that makes you who you are? I am not writing to get a sympathy letter (if anything a kick me in the butt reply), I meant to write you because that is what good friends do when the other is on mission.
I love that you are having a great time. I love that you send pictures and that you are so involved and inspired. I can and I can't believe President Hinckley died! I guess because of that I am feeling more self conscious spiritually as well. I didn't even get to watch the funeral because I was working. I plan to watch it on BYUtv.org or something like that. Kelia you are amazing. keep up the great work. You are someone to behold. when I do pray, i pray for you. keep being an amazing example and know that if you need anything(!) you let me know...please! I have some extra money now so don't hesitate. I love you so much and keep writing those letters your mom forwards around:)
Love Cole
p.s. my next letter will be much more uplifting! :P
