Food Revelations and More Important Things

Funny how all the great things that happen to me I can't make myself sit down and write them, but now something that irked me a little got me to sit down:P I can't remember now quite what the exact issue was but I can think of a few. But now I have a completely different aspect on them. So I exercised earlier this week in a routine....sort of. But didn't eat the best. As the week went on I ate better at nights so I was actally hungry in the mornings. I was really happy about that. Then tonight I just couldn't get enough again AND I had quite a few cookies. Then as I took the girls up to bed.....on my feet, i really got a workout. I I usually won't let them stay on my feet for the stairs but tonight I did and wow.....that is a great workout. I should do that every day!! Seriously. There should be a workout book for moms, not including exercise equipment and routines but involving kids. Instead of hitting the treadmill for a half hour, run around with your kid doing "such and such." Dont lift weights, cart your kid around all day when normally you would make them walk; etc, etc. Back to my tale of contradicting emotions: Two minutes later, as I am reading the girls a story all I can think about is what food I want to eat....even though I am full or almost there. Yea, I know ,I can read and think complexly about food at the same time....i am pitiful or obsessive or both. But then I realize that my normal cycle is...I already ate crappy; it's no use, I still won't be very hungry in the morning so why not keep eating anyway? But tonight I thought "How can I salvage this? what if i could still be hungry in the morning if I stop now? yea i may not be hungry in the morning no matter what, but that extra food is going straight to the middle. So as I finish teh book I commit to not goin downstairs for food because i stop and actually thought about it. I thought about the food, teh rewards/consequences. I thought about the relief I would feel later. THe thoughts that go through my head later are either "I shouldn't've eaten those last few things" or yea i ate a few things that weren't good but at least i didn't eat more or some other stuff" I remembered those post-binge thoughts and decided to get a grip. Tehn as I was in my room after talking to a guy I barely knew, I thought about how I bore my soul to him about part of my "food issue." That right there shows my vulnerability and more.... exposing part of "my disorder." but then i thought "i dont have a disorder....things are better." for the first time, instead of feeling broken down and lost, i felt HOPE. I felt like yea...slight setback, but I am on my way! I think the girls workout and avoiding the post-bed binge was a real boost. Things are about to change, i feel it. It's nothing quite like what I imagine when I hear the Rascal Flatts song "FeelsLikeToday" but it's close. The title of the song for my thoughts right now is "FeelsLikeThisMonth", lol.

Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Has been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought

It feels like today I know it feels like today I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But its not a moment thats frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today
I know, it feels like today, I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

I like the part "And I'll find my way out of this longest drought" and "Like a weight that I've carried/Has been carried away, away." THose two explain me best. I alway feel like this is my theme song. Whenever I am feeling down I go to this song. Am I coming out of a drought? has a weight been lifted? Is today the day that [blank] is gunna change? Nothing extreme is gunna happen but little by little I am goin to change my ways. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Tomorrow I go hiking and will get some exercise. My biggest point right now is getting myself out of the house and just walking all day this next week. If I didn't sit around so much the "layers" wouldn't have thickened on so quickly. Eating healthy is my other point. Eating more veggies!! and fruit....less of everything else. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and I don't want to add anything else on. I plan to slim down. In a book I read, a girl called it slimmming not losing wieght. I like that a lot better. It's not about the weight it's about slimness. Sounds weird but there is a difference.

I sit hear and bear all this out but there are goods things in life! Like Thrusday night when I hugged Ally good night she hugged me for a few minutes. She even said "I wish we could hug like this forever.....or at least all night." and julianna has been saying hilarious things this week that I should have been writing down, bah! Tonight ally hugged for a while again and nanna has been such a snuggler lately. I love it. This morning I was completely done. I though, "I need to tell Amy I will end in May" but then I remembered I wanted to do schooling and get my eating habits in better shape adn see how much of a difference that makes, cuz tonight they were so cute and sweet. We had a blast at the park this morning too. Why can;t I remember all the great moments I wanted to write down?! I need to make an uplifting post! That's it! I will right now!