Taking Control and Moving On

The thing that sucks about being mormon is our drug of choice. We are forbidden to smoke drink or do drugs. Those things we can all live without. So if someone got hooked on them they could let go cold turkey and they could survive. I am not downplaying how bd it would be to quit, it would suck intensely, all the withdrawals and other side affects, but they would live. Our drug of choice is food. And it subconsciouly becomes that because we don't realize what we are doing is wrong (like you would when you get drunk every night). We slowly eat more.... and a little more......and a little more each time (so yea, this doesn't happen to just mormons). and next thing you know we are gaining weight, our self-esteem has gone down, and we can't accept the blame so we try crazy methods to lose the wieght or to prevent us from gaining it (i.e. becoming bulemic -this means throwing up OR taking laxatives; becoming anorexic). Or we just sink ourselves farther in the pit by not eating breakfast or lunch (or eating really small versions of them) and then having the disgustingly overportioned, snack-every-five-minutes-after-dinner-is-over dinner. So the big problem is you can't quit food cold turkey. The best method is to eat reasonably small, healthy portions every meal (three meals a day) with a reasonable amount of exercise each day.

So narrowing it down to my situation: I have done the latter method before and lost thirty pounds. But since I am a live-in nanny I am presented with every food I could possibly want and endless quantities of it. And then my life is not my own. What works best for me is exercise in the morning before I get ready for the day (so i don't feel like I have to get ready again). But I wake up the girls in the morning and I can't leave the house necessarily because Amy sometimes leaves at five in the morning. In other words I need to be there for the girls, especially if Kent is gone on a trip. Now I could work out at night but I am tired by then and I usually can't leave the house and now as i am writing this my whole situation sounds absolutely ridicuous......WOW. Let me say this now that it is buried in the paragraph, I made myself throw up the past two nights i a row. Yep.......after eating so much junk food Halloween night I made myself throw up. It seems no matter how sick I am my body will not eject the crap. Not even when I have the flu. I have maybe five memories in all my life of throwing up (if that many). So I got so irritated t my body at myself for how I felt, that I let it get that way, and that my body was not taking care of it that I stuck my finger down my throat and threw up. Oh, but if only it were that simple. My body is SO against throwing up that it took me several times to do it. In fact I think I reached down to where the throat splits into the esophagous and trachea. Then last night I ate a great dinner, but I made the mistake of watching TV after the girls went to bed. I have to hold to my new rule!!! NO TV watching at night. Because if I do......I start raiding the cupboard and fridge. If I am upstairs it is a little more difficult (thanks to laziness and fear of being discovered by my endless footsteps up and down the stairs). So in other words I overate, felt like crap and thought "I did last night why can't I do it again?" so now this morning m glands are swollen (some of that may have to do with draining sinuses, lol). I do not want to be a bulemic; well, technically i was already one cuz i took lots of laxatives a while ago and if i eat to much and there are some around i will use them. but now I am trying a different method, sheesh. I don't want to care about food. If I had a choice I would quit eating food entirely. But I need it to survive (and I love food to much, otherwise i would probably become anorexic, at least that is what happens when you quit food).

I think some of the reasons I eat the way I do is because 1) we never had a variety of food in the house growing up, let alone junk food 2) When I did find something good at our houe (i.e. graham crackers) I had to sneak it to eat it 3) When I went over to people's houses after school all the time I would have to sneak it 4) at those same houses when they did give lots of good food to me I ate a lot cuz really, when would I get it again? and this happened at church occasions with food too.

So it comes down to two things: FEAR and "DEPRIVATION" oh, and this next situation could fall under one of those I don't know.... I tend to "snack." I go through every cupboard and fridge about five times, taking a taste of this, taking a taste of that. is that what I want? I'm not sure, let me check the other cupbaord. is that what i want? let me check the other cupbaord again to make sure I didn't miss anything. By the time I have tasted everything, I have had my meal, but it doesn't feel like it cuz i never sat down and enjoyed it. I am ridiculous.

I never get out and do anything because I have very few hours each day and the past two weeks have been eaten up by yoga: one hour and a half to take up my whole morning. I need to lose myself in service I know. But try getting me out of the house to do so. I am such a joke. this is all my fault and there are nothing but LAME EXCUSES!!!! I have time for all this stuff: museums and bike riding and walking and hiking and serving but i can't get myself out of my freaking room to do it!! instead I sit here and write dumb posts and sort through my junk cleaning my room cuz i can't stand a messy room (yet it gets that way every other day, making it so i have to stick around and clean up). Add to that stress a maid who comes in to clean my bathroom adn make my bed which makes me feel extremely self conscious by how I leave things cuz i don't want to be summed up by how I leave my room. I don't want that to decide what kind of person I am. But she doesn't speak english and so she gets what she interprets out of the situation. Why am I complaining about having a maid?! why CAN'T I complain about having a maid?! Gosh, I'm just a simple girl who doesn't want a big house, and all the shabang that people want who have big houses and everything. I would love to have enough money to travel once a year, have a modest home (not one so every kid had there own bedroom). I want to clean my house and work in my own yard. I would love to live in the country and run a ranch (if I could leave it once a year to travel, which is unusual). I am so simple it is scary. I don't want a maid, YES people reading this. I don't want a maid or a gardner or a housekeeper, etc. I don't know if i even want kids! lol. wow, i sure make life complicated, hahaha.


Wow, the whole thing sounds utterly ridicuous. I am pathetic. Here are people starving in the world and I am complaining about too much food, btu you know what that is ok, because that is my burden to bear. It is not about what sounds th eowrst, it is about the wieght of the burden. The lord will never give us more than we can handle so surely i will get through this. In fact, i thought I lost my whole post because my computer froze on me for a moment. I started praying like crazy. I asked the lord to help me out here, let my post be ok because I need to get all this crap out in physical form whether typed or written. It needs to be out of me for me to move on. So here I am, moving on, facing one more demon. I have all these antedotes for everything. It is just a matter of following through. so I am going to stop complaining now that it is all out and fix this dumb situation. here is my plan/routine:

Monday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Go do service for the day
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-gymnastics (practice spanish)
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Tuesday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Get ready for yoga and walk to yoga
9:30-11am Yoga
11am-12pm Hypnotherapy
12-2pm Free time
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-playdate?
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Wednesday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Temple
10:30am-1:30pm Julianna-dance/transportation
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-playdate?
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Thursday: 6am Use weights and fitness ball and jump rope.
Get ready and get girls up and to school.
8:30am Dress for yoga and walk there
9:30-11am Yoga
11am Go play basketball and try another activity/museum (free time)
2pm Be home to get Ally
Hang w/girls-playdate?
8/8:30pm Bed for girls and workout in the exercise room (30 minutes)
9pm Read scriptures and pray and journal
9:30 Get ready for bed and sleep

Friday: 7am Pray and get ready
Go for a hike
Options for later: Visit Jo /grandparents
Go to the beach
See a movie

Saturday: 6 am Pray and get ready
Whatever the family has planned
Exercise room before bed
Read, pray, and journal


Sunday: Wake up, Write letters to mish, read, pray, and journal
Free time till church
1-4pm Church
4pm and on Free time

So here we go. I now have purpose in life.......to fulfill this routine. While this may seem idoitic because the real true me has more purpose in life than this, it will be my purpose until I am satistied with myself again. And than I will find more purpose because that is what life is about: constantly finding purpose:)